So will I, okay…
After the long entry (set to private), I can at least put a name to some of the things I’m feeling:
Defensive (mainly that), exasperated, annoyed, guilty, frustrated, puzzled, hurt…
I know that when I get this defensive, I’m not going to be very altruistic in my thoughts or very rational.
I just hope that a good sleep will take these feelings away and that I can prayerfully sort these things out.
Man why do I feel like crying when I’m so annoyed.
I’m still sick!
Gosh…. so tired. 
Nose running like a leaking tap today.
Can’t go xiaozu tomorrow.
Gah. I hate missing things because of sickness :’(
Any brothers and sisters reading this, please pray for my speedy recovery!
Sniff sniff.
I think being sick + self-imposed house quarantine has made me officially brain-dead. And it’s just the first week of school!
But it’s definitely better now – my head’s not throbbing with pain so often, I can breathe without mucus dripping out of my nose, the irritating sore in the throat has gone away (I still wake up with an awfully parched throat though).
Life gets back on track again tomorrow.
Gawsh, I miss my honey
记不起上次感冒是什么时候的事了……
只知道现在越来越讨厌生病，因为要做的事太多太多了。
病得全身发疼时，什么都没心情做。
从昨天到今天看了至少三、四部电影、吃饭、睡觉，可是一点放松的感觉都没有。
反而觉得全身疼痛，连洗手都觉得不舒服。
明明在自己家里，却要套两件衣服，穿长裤，穿袜子，活像过冬一样。
听到噩耗的时候，心里颤了一下。
我跟她，大概只能算有一面之缘吧？
但是她让我猛然觉察，原来死亡离我们是那么的近。
安息吧，可爱的女孩，愿你在父的国度里得享永远的平安。
Perhaps Christmas this year ain’t all that merry and bright, but it is the first time in a long long while I’ve had lunch with Dad at home and watched TV together. First time in a long while since I’ve slept so fully that I woke up with a sense of quietness ringing in my head – not sure if anybody understands what that means, but it generally means that I woke up with nothing clinging to my thoughts.
I do not doubt the love of the Lord. It’s just that I don’t know how to look Him in the face after I did and said certain things and know that those weren’t right. So I prayed, Lord, don’t let me depart from Your presence.
Perhaps a quiet Christmas is good for me, though I’m not sure whether the warm and cheery smiles and hugs around church would have helped too. But nevertheless, quiet and rest is good for me today.
As the Star of Bethlehem shines on high, we remember the true Reason for Christmas.
I’m kind of feeling annoyed at how so many don’t seem to take commitments, promises and responsibilities seriously… If you promised to take part in something, even if it’s just an “Um, okay”, people will just take it that you’ve committed. I don’t think people are always able to differentiate between an “Um, okay” (Sigh, why me? But I’ll do it anyway ba) and an “Um, okay” (Sigh, I don’t want to do it but then I don’t want to offend this person).
If you’ve agreed to do something, we assume you are going to do it.
It’s okay to say “No, sorry, I don’t think I’m able to do it.” It is better to reject straight off than to vaguely agree. People happily think they have someone to help only to realize that they have to make a hasty replacement afterwards.
The least you could do to help us is to inform us early (and not on the very day we need you). It’ll be even better if you could get someone to replace yourself.
It has become so recurrent that I’m getting a little mad at how so many people are doing it.
I can be understanding and I’ll probably forget this unhappiness two days after, but as people living with other people I think we need to know this so that we can make each others’ lives easier.
就是不爽怎么有这样的人一而再、再而三莫名其妙地伤害我心爱的男人。
其实是蛮生气的，如果当面遇到这个人，我还真不知道自己会做出什么事。
可当我的爱，用他那伤感、无奈的眼神对我微微一笑时，我忽然也觉得很无力。
为什么这个人会变成这样？当有人这样对待我们的时候，该要关注多少呢？
是完全当他是在乱吠而置之不理，还是全部挂在心上而把自己打得伤痕累累呢？
我是很倾向前者的，因为那是保护我的爱，最好的办法。
可是神放在我们心里的爱，不就是要把我们的石心变成肉心吗？
当我们选择去爱人，我们其实就是敞开自己的心，而被伤害的机会也就更大了。
就如基督耶稣在爱我们的同时，已经知道自己将被长钉刺穿、背负上古今所有的罪，而和祂至亲至爱从未分离过的天父暂时地隔绝。
那样的痛，我们可能永远都无法理解。但祂选择让自己被祂所爱的人们伤害，从而给他们新的机会来和创造他们的主和好。
该如何爱这个人才好？
或许，当我的爱正在学习去爱这个不可爱的人的时候，我应该沉默，然后忍住心中的疼痛来为他擦拭伤口。
祷告、陪伴、我的爱，这是我能给你，仅有的东西。
People issues are definitely way tougher than any 2000-page ancient Chinese history books that I have to research through.
You know, when you are trying to put yourself in the shoes of both sides of matters, and people just take it for a personal attack on themselves? It’s just…pfffh. :’(
It’s late, I just came through 6 hours of research, 4 hours of tour-guiding and 3 hours of people issues, my head is pounding, my eyes are blood-shot, my hands are shaky (perhaps from tea-caffeine overdose or nervousness, or both), my menses are 15 days late and still not here, I’m losing hair from my already pathetic scalp…..
God, I need Your voice and it’d be a bonus if You’d send me strong shoulders to cry on and a warm hug which I can fall into for a bit of time.
Arrrh what’s wrong with trying to love each other and being more understanding and sensitive?
No more research for tonight.
Bed. Now.
Ah you know these moments when a million things demand your attention. Your spirit is willing (to do work) but your flesh is weak (procrastinating). But some things just can’t be procrastinated. Some things just jump up in your face and slap you hard and demand your urgent attention. Some things will come along to slap you after a few days, and then proceed to bash you up into pieces.
Arrh prayer…
Breathe and pray, breathe and pray.
There’s been a lot of sadness around and my heart is heavy even though those episodes generally don’t concern me.
Dear, it’s great to hear from you. I wished I could have made more cheery conversation, but alas my head has been a pool of sadness recently. I keep wondering, what is happening to our world? Is the End finally here?
Lord, teach me how to empathize and not sympathize. Teach me to care for people and yet not kill myself in the process. If I get depressed just hearing about these things, what would happen when I actually have to involve myself? Lord, I need wisdom and strength to love as You do…
