And now it is sealed :)
I ran through in my head a thousand and one times how it may be like, when it will take place and how he will say it. And still it was a beautiful surprise.
I did the most cliched response of laughing and crying at the same time – I now understand why ladies do that when they were proposed to. It was all so funny, so old school, so surprising, so heartwarming to know the lengths this man went to to ask you to be part of his life till forever.
After the wonderful MOCC Dining-In which was a big formal fanfare of medical officers graduating from their course, the now Captain Dr Eugene Chua lured me to the 5th floor of Sheraton Hotel which had a swimming pool. I had my suspicions when I saw the beautiful pool and the strangeness of his claim of having left his bag in that area.
Then I saw that poolside table with candles arranged in the shape of a heart, then a bouquet of flowers centered by my favorite sunflower. Then I saw the guitar on the chair and I finally realized that this must be it. My dear man, handsome and crisp in his No.2 army uniform, picked up the guitar and sang me a lovely song of love. It was then that I started to giggle uncontrollably, with tears rapidly welling up in my eyes. Our dear friends Jon and Sam popped out from the pavilion nearby armed with video camera and digital camera, capturing this moment.
Then he got down on a knee, and I could only say yes, yes of course, yes.
This journey will be long and nobody said it will be easy. But it is by faith we walk together, knowing that our Lord leads us. We walk towards Him together in this lifetime, and other troubles just don’t seem to matter so much anymore.
I love you too, my dear :)
We spent time talking about important things. It would have ended up an argument, but the Spirit working in our hearts helped us (at least, myself) speak in love rather than out of self-centered wrath. With time, may our Lord continue to help us adapt to the discomfort in this process of learning to grow together and becoming one through marriage.
And yes, my dear has been wonderfully patient when I wasn’t. He cherishes our memories – something that warms even my aloof heart. It is interesting how it was my loner-hood that first drew his attention, him being a natural comforter who has the tendency to reach out to people who look like they’ve got no company. It made me feel fuzzy within as we recounted our memories together – may we continue to remember these beautiful days even as we grow old 
We held hands and read a book together (“Now that you are engaged” kindly gifted to us by Mr and Mrs B. Loy ^^), pausing at the interesting questions or laughing out loud at the points that resonated with us. We may have looked a strange sight at the Nex MacDonalds doing this, but it is promising as the beginning of many beautiful reading moments like this. I daresay I haven’t enjoyed a regular book as much as this before.
I wrote those because I want to retain these memories and recount them in days to come. Love is made of the past, present and future, because it originated from the One and Only God who is there past, present and future and all around.
沉默
前一阵子似乎很意气风发，哗啦啦地说话，没心没肺地过着＂花儿对我笑，世界多美好＂的日子。然而这样的心情在近日似乎悄悄对我隐身。我也逐渐沉默了。
怎么说呢？最近经历的失望和心痛，让我不得不说，原来我没有那么潇洒，原来我不是不会在意，原来＂七十个七次＂的原谅考验的不是面对仇人的时刻，而是面对爱惜的人的时刻。
经历突然感受沧桑的时刻，发现自己原来必须负担某些成人的角色，真的不能再没心没肺地过日子了。我发现，原来我没有自己原来想象的那么成熟或那么地有担当。其实我只不过是一棵被保护得很好很壮实的树苗，看起来很强大，本质上却还只是幼苗。
经历两地相思，发现自己原来那么离不开他。日子照样过，开心的事照样开心，烦恼的事照样找姐妹阿姨们述说，只是莫名地多了一些焦躁。发现自己经常都这样，和他分离太久就会情绪不佳。不知不觉中，发现他的陪伴原来是那帖让我焦躁的心瞬间平静下来的膏油。
而这一切的根源，我思索，是我的心远离上帝造成的。其实我不必失望，因为人都必须为自己的决定向上帝负责。我若是认为单靠我自己能改变什么，那就太自以为是了。原来我在不知不觉中滋长了那种自我中心、自以为是的心，把每天和上帝亲近的宝贵时间浪费在一些无谓的事上。人，离了主，真的不能做什么。
方才读到使徒行传20章24节，使徒保罗知道自己前往耶路撒冷传福音，基本上是凶多吉少。然而他安慰他的弟兄姐妹们，说：”我 却 不 以 性 命 为 念 ， 也 不 看 为 宝 贵 ， 只 要 行 完 我 的 路 程 ， 成 就 我 从 主 耶 稣 所 领 受 的 职 事 ， 证 明 神 恩 惠 的 福 音 。”
Acts 20:24 However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.
这句话，若是平时，我也许就会草草跳过。毕竟保罗经常说这样的话。然而今日觉得这句话是那么的扎心。保罗啊保罗，这是何等大的信心和爱。我是否能如他那样把自己的性命、生命不看为宝贵，而专心行完我的路程，成就我从主耶稣所领受的工作，证明上帝恩惠的福音？我，为什么还在这里自哀自怜，不愿原谅，反而用刺把自己保护得他人不能近。今天读到这句话，眼眶竟然湿了。
是啊，我的生命，不是我的。这要走过多少弯曲的路，才能真正在见主的那一天，坦然无惧地到祂施恩的宝座前欢呼？
我的心啊，你要赞美耶和华！
Ah, Life.
Dealing with heartaches is very much part of life, I guess. I end the day today with a dull, ill throb in my head.
Yesterday I prayed about dealing with this acute sense of unfulfilment in this institute I’m in. Had to pray about getting frustrated about my classmate’s response (or lack thereof) to my attempt at sharing my feelings with her.
Today I prayed about something which another classmate is planning to do, which I think is not right. I prayed that God take charge of my advice to her (or a well-meaning rebuke) and that I will leave her decision to God, because ultimately she will have to make her choice. I say my piece and the rest of the responsibility is hers. So she replied politely but to say that she will stick to her decision because she has other people to answer to. I was tempted to ask, so That is more important than guarding your integrity in God? But in the end I honored my promise to God and her and said nothing further. I then have to determine the source of the pain in my heart. Was it entirely because of the conscious sinning of a fellow member of Christ, or has the fact that my earnest attempt to change her mind failed caused a certain sense of failure?
It is not my fault, certainly. I have said what was needed. But it just hurts.
Then there was driving lessons, in which I come face to face again with the fact that I am slow in response and had terrible coordination. Coming to terms with weaknesses is not always easy. I try to account for it by saying that the instructor wasn’t clear in what he wants me to do and I did not have enough time to plan my next actions. But I guess I have to acknowledge that I have response issues.
Coming home not entirely easy too, with mum who listens only halfway before gearing her thoughts elsewhere and started talking about things unrelated to what I was trying to share about. Then I realized she did not follow my thread of thought at all and did not understand the issue I was trying to talk about. She thought I was still bothered about the driving issue when I was already talking about the issue with my friend.
Such is the pain of being unheard. The sense of loss and loss of control. How do I in such a situation bring my thoughts captive in Christ? To recognize that people are simply people and they will never be able to fulfill expectations completely, to submit my dreams and heartfelt words to God and God alone. He understands. He hears.
Here I lay all my heartaches at the feet of my Lord Jesus Christ, who loves me more than any human could and who hears me and leads me by His example. May the Holy Spirit guide me such that I become someone who listens and whom is contented in strength given by God above.
掏空
不知由何而来的一阵恼火。直至现在不愿与他人多言。
不喜欢现在这种被掏空的感觉。不断地做作业，却没有得到反馈（不是全没有，但也只有一份）。只是一味地做、做、做，不晓得到底做这些是为什么，又得着了什么。做了好多，不能说自己是非常尽责的学生，也恼怒自己没有任何的进步，停留在开学时的那种状态中。无益处。
烦恼中随口说出自己的想法，同学似乎不置可否。于是我明白了，体贴人心的果然只有神。无他。倾诉的言语说给别人听一次就够，其余的留给自己，所有的放在神脚前。
别人父亲的背影
在楼下超市买东西，瞅见一大箱蜂蜜芒果旁的老人。稀疏的白发整整齐齐，白色的Polo衬衫工整地塞在黑色长裤里，系着黑色皮带，正吃力地将手伸向芒果箱上的一卷塑料袋。一刹那，我以为看见了十年后的爸爸。也许是老人整整齐齐的外表，像我亲爱的父亲。下一个瞬间，脑海里闪过的念头，竟是猜想父亲将来是否也会有这样背影蹒跚吃力的一天。不顾在熙攘的市场，我的眼眶悄悄地湿了。
思念成灾
好像，
已经好久没这样了。
心里这种苦涩酸软的闷
对着博客掉眼泪，想起他让我感动的种种。
他依旧那么体贴温柔，甚至越来越动人。
而我，却好像很久没有触碰到心里这根软软的弦了。
是忙碌吧？是含蓄吧？
我什么时候把爱情里这拨美丽的弦音藏起了呢？
该怎么说，
我想你？
